What’s with this?! huh?!

**moved from my Mi Amore blog (October 14th, 2005 by shiksa-08)

This hot steamy afternoon i’m in just brings murkiness in me. My thoughts, my feelings, my situation, my studies, my future.

I’ve been so preoccupied lately that my brain isn’t functioning that well. Having thoughts and premonitions bout my failures and how can i ever endure such things when it’s all around. Everywhere to me. All these uncertainties have been lurking in my head all this time, making me go through diff. kinds of feelings. So weird, I can hardly figure out what I’m really up to, been through and speaking here.

Is it just me or the things around me that’s making me insane?! Grotesque it may seem to me, but the beauty behind all this is still hiding that I just can’t take a glimpse of it ’cause of its exclusiveness and not yet prepared. Why can’t I? Or am I just isolating myself from the exposure and is eventually afraid to be on such and feel as such? Why can’t I accept the reality I’m in, all the things underneath it, all the truths and facts disguised in fictions and lies? Hypocrisy, all for the sake of that are merely the things I’m surrounded by. Bull shit! what for?! Selfishness, tang-ina!!! Maniac, gago!!fuck you!! Greediness, mamatay kayong lahat!!! Conflicts, the heck!! All around, how can I swallow all these when I just can’t take a lick of it, can’t take to live with it.. Never!! So painful to think how things became this way and turned to. Where am I gonna place myself, anyway?Center? Puta!!! I’m tired of it!! Always was… never will!

What’s with this? What does all this imply? To live or to die…

To live…that’s how it’s supposed to be.

To die…i’m waiting, but not now.

I’m both hating and loving my life. 51% - loving 49% - hating…

To love….. always for the one I love, I’m gonna live for you.

I’m gonna live for you and with you… I’ll endure.

>>>And here's the comment from Bevs